Still in Pain

It’s been over for too long, long enough for me to move on and get used to be alone. But why am I still grieving like a new widowed wife?

"Time check: 03:56AM. Sleep nako... ;("

From Cookie (05/05/2009 5:47 pm)

baby,

I know andami ng nangyari sa atin...

May prob pa with your fan right..i'm so sorry talga for inflicting fear into you everytime umaalis ka...

hahay, you're dragged into this talga...

Lam mo, nakokonxenxa talaga ako ngayon sa mga nangyayari sa tin..

I just want you to be happy..I thought ok na ang lahat...

Complicated talga ang relationship natin but inspite of it you chose to love me..inspite of the risk na inaatupag mo ngayon...inspite of the many things that tells you to not love me...

Thanks baby for listening to your heart...

Thanks for giving me strength to provide you strength too...

Sana maging matapang ka pa...alam ko marami pa tayong trials na dapat lusutan...

Baby basta i am here for you always...

Kaw lang talga ang para sa kin...

Please continue to have patience with me inspite sa mga mistakes ko...

I know marami akong pagkakami sayo...

Baby thanks for the love...always take care of yourself..

I love you so much tlaga...

---ang sakit-sakit pa rin. ;(((

To Cookie

Thank you for everything. I hope happy naka sa imo sitwasyon karon. Sakit man pero I should be thankful na lang pud siguro na naging honest ka sa ako ug tell na dili na magwork ato relationship because you find yourself happier without me. I Love You.

Bittersweet Memories (of my GREAT LOVE, yet)

Who she wants to meet:

A person who I can be myself...whom I can relate with...basta si chriza n lang ok na ako :D

The very thing that's making me hard to move on are the memories she left me with. Whenever I am with other people now, they always find me hardly coping up with my emotional distress. It's been hard, really. I want to be ok but my physical and emotional being's not cooperating. The bouquet of flowers she left in a laundry shop, tigger, her effort to face and be known by my mother, her decision to resign from a job just to keep me safe and be with me, the way she was saying things about plans of our future marriage (it seemed like she had no hesitations and was really in to me.)---kung legal lang diri Pinas, hagbay ra taka gipakaslan, the ring she gave me on our first monthsary (I'm giving you this ring as early as now to let you know na ikaw na talaga for me), are keeping me vulnerable. After all of these big things and others she had done just to be with me came to be just nothing to her now. Was she just at the height of her happiness kaya it seemed so real and unending?

The thought of how she had let go of me, of my GREAT LOVE for her, of EVERYTHING, is killing me everyday! I can't still accept the fact that the very person I've been searching and wanting to be with in life had left me. I don't know why it's just so easy for her to let go of everything we once cherished so much. Is she the type of person na kung nagsasawa na sa isang bagay ay hindi nagdadalawang-isip na iwan na lang bigla?

I'm so messed up!

"When I was still confused, she was so sure of me. But now that I'm so sure of her, she became unsure of me, of US. Everything changes jud!"

She's so good she made me confident and assured enough to believe that she wanted me all the way with her in the future. Now, it turned out I was just part of her self-discovery, a helper to knowing what she really wanted in life. She has different plans now and it pains me, (na isaksak ito palagi sa isip ko), it doesn't include me at all!

For some, Same Sex Relationship is a big no no but when she became my lover, she taught me how to cherish and fight for it. When she gave me the ring, she told me she wanted me to feel the assurance that she would marry me and that ako na talaga. I felt the same that time and until now, I'm still hoping sana ako pa rin.

There is no such thing as a Perfect Relationship but a Happy and Ideal One can be achieved when couples are determined to stay together loving each other no matter what trials and priorities they will have.

I hope all that's been happening to me will lead to where I should be. I still have FAITH though.